How To Have A Good Messaging Conversation

Follow These 4 Principles To Have More Exciting Conversations »

  • 00:00 How To Have A Good Messaging Conversation
  • 01:01 Commit to be consistent
  • 02:48 Commit to respond
  • 03:32 Avoid just sharing information
  • 05:16 Engage emotionally
  • 06:43 Be playful
  • 09:27 Have a full and complete profile
  • 10:32 Match Voice
  • 11:27 Key takeaways
  • 12:57 Questions from our members
  • 13:00 How do you know when it's the right time to become more flirty? I fear if I get too flirty too soon, I'll come across as creepy.
  • 14:43 How do you follow up a no reply from someone you like and have crafted a well through initial message without sounding weird?
  • 16:10 What's the recommended length of time between first message and first date? I want to get to know someone a little before I meet them, but I don't want them to get bored waiting, either.
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Hayley Quinn is the UK's leading dating coach: she has over 2 Million views on her TED talk and over 100,000 YouTube subscribers. She is also a spokesperson for Match and regularly contributes to international media.

How To Have A Good Messaging Conversation

So, being really honest here, it can be really challenging to have a good conversation with someone that you've only met online because we don't know one another in real life.
So, I really understand that, again, as I've said a couple of times before, it's the end of a long day, you are tired, you've just made some dinner for yourself, and then trying to be really creative and give your 88% to these messaging conversations I get why that is far from easy.However, obviously, if you're looking to meet that incredible person, this piece of effort that you make now is going to be so worthwhile.So, as a coach, I would say this, but if you can commit to doing things, do it.


Commit to be consistent

One of the easiest ways you can commit is to actually just be a bit more consistent.
So, that could be rather than kind of feeling overwhelmed and trying to respond in real time to everybody that you might be messaging.
It might be a good idea to maybe just have once a day, twice a day, or three times a day, where you set aside, it could just be five or 10 minutes to respond to people.
So, it's about being able to get back to people regularly because we know how it goes.If you message someone, then they take two days getting back to you, then you take three days getting back to them, then the whole thing fizzles out.
So yes, it can be difficult but to keep the motivation going, but if you can commit to having those time slots in your day, that will really, really help to your interactions.
Because what's really amazing is, if you can send a first message, and then you maybe it's still a Match app is still open on your phone or your desktop, and then someone writes back to you and then that's really exciting.
Then you write back to them, and they write back to you.
Soon by the end of the evening, you could have a date.
So, that's often how things happen when things feel really exciting.


Commit to respond

So, I want you to create a bit of space where you're open and able to do that.
Now we all have work and friends and other commitments and things going on in our lives.
So, I'd also say if you can't, and you know you're not going to reply to someone for a couple of days because you've got a big work deadline or a friend's wedding or whatever, just tell them. Just say: "by the way might be absentee from this chat for a couple of days off to a friend's wedding, but look forward to speaking to you soon."
So again, by communicating, it will help that other person to still feel excited about continuing to hear from you.
So, part of the success of keeping your messaging interactions alive is just about committing to respond.


Avoid just sharing information

Another big part of it is avoiding just sharing information.
So, when will our messages become a bit more of a factual exchange, the "have you got any fun plans this weekend?", or "I've recently been to France, I'm thinking about going to Portugal next".
It's not bad, but definitely could be better.
So, when we exchange facts with someone it can be hard to forge that emotional connection, which will really help you both to feel excited about meeting one another.
So, rather than speaking too generally, I want you to again, when you're writing your messages and carrying on that conversation to really focus in on the detail.
So, if you have just been to France, or you're thinking about heading to Portugal, I want you to literally imagine you're looking at a picture on your phone, of a scene or something you've just done on that holiday and then I want you to describe what's going on the scene.
So, it could be, instead of saying "heading to Portugal soon, heading to Lisbon next month and already thinking about those custard tarts".
Or it could be, instead of saying "I've recently been to France", you could say, "I've just got back from France and already missing my pana chocolate."
So again, by just being a little bit more specific in the details of what you share, it's incredible how your message will suddenly become so much more full of personality and really exciting.
So, instead of just sharing the fact remember, zeroing on the detail, like literally look through photos on your phone of fun stuff that you did and share that with someone.


Engage emotionally

So, rather than let your conversations run out of steam too soon, avoid sharing information instead, I really want you to focus on engaging emotionally.
So, a great thing to have in a conversation is when you authentically share an emotion that's come up for you.
So for instance, if you are really enjoying talking to someone, or they really make you laugh, or something they say really surprises you, write that to them because you're gonna start to, the conversation is going to feel so much more human and so much more warm.
So saying messages like, "I wasn't expecting you to say that!!!", or "I'm literally laughing, I'm literally trying not to laugh in my office", or "I just chuckled on the tube", or "you're making me laugh so much I'm struggling to type".

This really emotional expression, actually is going to be really contagious, it's going to make the other person feel really excited to keep messaging you.
So, to do that is actually quite simple, it's just about, if you are feeling a positive emotion when you're engaging with someone, share that with them.
So again, people will catch on to that excitement and that enthusiasm and that will often create a much more fluid and exciting conversation than if you're just sharing facts.


Be playful

Now again, along with that emotional exchanged excitement, I also want you to think about how even during the conversation you can keep this playful and slightly, I guess, abstract tone to your conversations where possible.
Even if it doesn't come naturally to you, I definitely feel like this is something that you can practice and learn, and what a great place to do that is in messaging someone.
So you remember in the first section, I gave you an example from my book, "The Last First Date," which is about saying banana bread, any chance you bring a slice to first dates.
So again, it's using that sort of creativity.
So, I want you to imagine if they did just say, "I'm at my friend's party."You could say, "can you steal me a piece of cake?"
So again, rather than saying, "where's the party? How long have you known that friend?"
Going into the where, what, why, how questions, if we can avoid that, so stop writing that, instead think about, "oh, how can I almost imagine myself being there?", or, is there a fun way that I could create a scenario where they're going to get some sort of item or thing for me, and they're going to bring it to our first date?
So, if someone is saying, "oh, I'm having a really bad day at work", "I'm having a bad day, well, hard day at the office," again, could you write something like, "make sure to tell your boss, tell him or her to go easy on you."
So again, you're like participating in their life through a creative suggestion about how you can sort of imagine spending time together.
Or they could say, "I'm just popping down to the gym", then you could say, "oh, I have to admit I skipped mine today, can you do a few press-ups for me."
So again, it's all the same idea, maybe what they're doing has changed, but you're sort of including yourself in their life.
And again, I hope quite an easy way if you can remember to do it to be creative and playful, but it creates a really fun conversation because suddenly you can again, how much banter is there where they have the opportunity to really join in with you.
They could say, "oh, well, I can't do press-ups for you, but I could stretch to 10-star jumps.
So suddenly, the conversation is sort of freed from the where, what, when, how, why questions, and suddenly you have so much more space to be playful and creative.


Have a full and complete profile

When you can get a conversation there, conversations don't really fizzle out as much because you've got so much more room or so many more things to play with.
So. I spoke at the start about one of the principles about having good conversations is about you committing to log in regularly, to be going on at least once if not two or three times a day to really keep those conversations going.
But also remember a good exchange is about when you are interacting with someone if someone has made an effort to write something that sort of playful or interesting or try to ask you a relevant question.
Avoid giving them just yes or no responses, really participate because you are also helping to keep that conversation alive.
Another really good thing that you can do to insure that you get the best out of your messaging exchanges, is just also to remember to have a really full and complete profile.
The more full and complete your profile is, the more personality that's in it, the easier it is for someone to send that first message and also to keep the message exchanges going.


Match Voice

As you may have noticed, we now have Match voice, which is this amazing ability to add Voice Notes to your profile by answering some key questions.
Now, I would say that sometimes it's a lot easier to tell if we have a spot for someone by listening to their voice rather than just reading their profile.
In fact, in a recent survey on Match, 17% of people said that they can tell they're attracted to someone just by the sound of their voice.
So if you haven't added a Voice Note to your profile, you are missing out.
So I'd really encourage you to add those voice notes to your profile, and also to complete your profile because this is sort of what will help someone to have enough that first of all be excited about messaging you.Then also they'll have lots of interesting details to bring up.


Key takeaways

So, a good exchange also requires you to be logging on regularly.It requires you to not just answer yes or no, but to also give someone back the same energy and effort they put into talking to you.Of course, complete your profile, adding voice notes is a great way to do that.

So just a quick recap again.
What are we going to do? We're going to log in more regularly, we're going to have really full and complete profiles, we're not going to write yes or no.
We're not going to write yes or no, we're going to keep it playful where at all possible and a bit creative, we're going to respond emotionally.We're going to really describe things in detail.

That was a bit of recap, but here is another one, going a quick recap of our key messages from this section.

So first of all remember, use the Match voice feature, it's so good and it's such a great way to get your profile full of personality.

Engage emotionally with someone. If you feel a positive, good emotion when you're interacting with someone, let them know.

Finally, give yourself permission to be playful.We don't have to be that serious.In fact, if you can have fun on your messages, it's also really a great way for you to stay motivated and energized when it comes to speaking to someone.


Questions from our members

How do you know when it's the right time to become more flirty? I fear if I get too flirty too soon, I'll come across as creepy.

I think this is a really good question because I do feel in messages where we don't have someone's tone of voice they are easier to be misinterpreted and of course, someone wants to feel uncomfortable online.
So, I would say to steer away from too much physical compliment or anything that's too sexy, sexy that probably I would leave that off messages.
If you can have a conversation that is playful and that has banter, that actually that's your flirtation, that creates that flirty warm atmosphere without it being to take it too far.
You can also think about if you are someone who wants to be an initiator in your interactions, saying things like, "that sounds great, let me make a plan and I'll come back to you."
Using really plan orientated language where you show leadership saying, "I'm looking forward to this, okay, I'll make a plan for Saturday."
Again, it can sound quite feet sweepy, that was my feet sweeping gesture.
Likewise, if you are someone who actually again would like someone to sweep you off your feet, saying things like, "oh, that sounds really tempting.", or "I'm going to find it hard to turn that down, count me in."
Again, that more playful, warmer, inviting, responsive language when someone does suggest me to you up in real life for a date.
Again, that's enough to show flirtation without having to take things too far.


How do you follow up a no reply from someone you like and have crafted a well through initial message without sounding weird?

So basically, how do you send a follow-double-up message?
I would say, just like I said to Malcolm at the start, you can't be that into them until you've interacted with them.
So just remember, even if their profile sounds great, they only become great by how they interact with you.I would say that a good follow-up message to say something like, "I'm not usually one to double message, but I really liked your profile and wants to see how you are."
Now, this is one occasion where sending a more sort of boring question like, "I want to see how you are, what you're up to, if you got any fun fact plans this weekend" can actually be good.Because you don't want the second, if you sent someone a second message in a row, and they haven't responded to the first one, you actually want to keep the message you send really low pressure, really casual, and also by acknowledging I'm not usually one to double message.
It will show a person that there was something special about their profile that made you go to this extra effort.
So again, it takes away that sounding weird, as you put it.


What's the recommended length of time between first message and first date? I want to get to know someone a little before I meet them, but I don't want them to get bored waiting, either.

So, what you've expressed to me is a little bit about how you like to get to know someone and you're allowed to take your time getting to know someone as provided, or as long as you communicate that someone.
So, if you say to someone, if someone asks you on a date, and you say, "oh, say I'm so enjoying this chat, but perhaps we can have a phone call first, or can we talk a little bit longer? I take a bit of time to warm up."
Communicate someone what you need in order to feel happy and comfortable.
The best people out there for you aren't going to get bored waiting.If they're getting someone who is being responsive, who's clearly communicating what they need, who's been warm, friendly, playful, all of that stuff, then the right people will be able to respect the pace that you'd like to take the interaction at.


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