Questions and answers from Octobre 2022

Our Love Coach Hayley Quinn answered our members questions on October 18th, 2022. »

  • 00:00 Questions from our members
  • 00:28 Do you have any suggestions on how to write eye-catching bio?
  • 01:23 How can you prevent ghosting?
  • 03:36 When the initial conversation dries up, how do you continue chatting without coming across as pushy or desperate?
  • 05:40,000 How to attract a committed man?
  • 08:17 Roadmap of dating for introverts, please.
  • 10:03 Where, when time of day would you advise for a first date?
  • 12:15 I exchanged messages with a woman, I want to meet her in person. Is there any advice that can help me because I am diagnosed with autism?
  • 15:51 What is a nice way of asking for more photos?
  • 18:01 How can people sustain relationships in an age of minimal concentration and maximal choices?
  • 20:13 Does what you're saying change with the 50 plus age group?
  • 21:52 How do you help people overcome their fear of stranger-danger?
  • 23:51 I'm not sure my dry humor is for everyone, should I be true to myself of play it safe?
  • 25:43 How to treat rejection in positively?
  • 27:55 I'm visually impaired, is it appropriate to ask for a video of them doing a fun activity?
  • 29:40 How to get the most of our membership to match?
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Hayley Quinn is the UK's leading dating coach: she has over 2 Million views on her TED talk and over 100,000 YouTube subscribers. She is also a spokesperson for Match and regularly contributes to international media.

Questions from our members

Do you have any suggestions on how to write eye-catching bio?

So, there have actually been some Match Live that I have done before on this topic, so if you log in, you should be able to watch some videos and replays which give you loads of information on that.
For now, I would just say really easy things you can do, if you write something that's generic, substitute it for something that is specific, so don't say sports, say football, don't say travel, say backpacking in the Himalayas, or you know, just say the exact detail, as that will make your profile so much more full of personality.
Of course, use Match voice as well, like add voice notes to your profile.
Often, how we speak naturally comes out in a way that has more personality and is more informal.
So, it's like you are missing a trick if you don't put that one in there.


How can you prevent ghosting?

So, I think, just like asking, "So, why are you still single?" not getting back to someone and ghosting is sort of like… Is a guaranteed way of annoying somebody.
So, if you are in a messaging exchange, provided that you feel safe to do so, sometimes it is just better to say: "Thanks for the chat so far but I want to be open with you, I'm not feeling that romantic connection, wishing you all the best."
People often react so much better to that than when things are left on a cliffhanger.
That being said, I also know in the world of online dating, you may have quite a few messages, and it may not be possible to get back to everyone, and again we all only have a limited amount of time and energy.
So, if you aren't able to get back to someone, remember if you are out there, if someone doesn't get back to you that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or even wrong with them.
It could be that they opened your message and forgot to reply.
It could be they just got preoccupied with something else, they met someone else, we just don't know.
But what ghosting says or someone not getting back to your message says is it just clearly shows you they are not quite, at least in this interaction, on the same level as you are in terms of the effort and commitment they are willing to put into it, and we all deserve someone who makes effort and commitment for us.
So, if someone doesn't get back to you, it can be hard, but it can be easy, it's time to just go, "You know what? This wasn't meant to be. I can see through how they are showing up for me right now that they are just not going to be the right person for me, and that's alright because I think there will be someone out there who is."
So, keep that positive mindset, let it go if someone doesn't respond to you, and if you are someone who is considering not responding, provided you feel safe to do so, sometimes a polite thanks but no, thanks is best.


When the initial conversation dries up, how do you continue chatting without coming across as pushy or desperate?

Well, first of all, no one should be judging you as pushy or desperate for trying to, again, just have a human connection, and have that conversation.
So, please don't judge yourself in that way or think that other people might be thinking of you like that.
I would say if an interaction sort of fizzled, but you are still curious about someone, and you think maybe that could have gone somewhere, give it one more message.
No harm in giving it one more message to try and reinvigorate things.I would check in with someone in a non-blaming and non-judging way.
So instead of saying, "What happened to you?Is everything okay?" Or "did I say something you didn't like?" I wouldn't even create that story around it, I would just be like, "Oh, hi, there," or, "Hey, it's been a minute, how are you?"
So, again, you're not showing that you're seeing their lack of response as being a personal reflection of you, you are just like gently checking in, and that's often a better way to keep the conversation going.
You could also just express, or say something like, "It's hard chatting online sometimes, isn't it? ;)" .
Sometimes that emotional expression will help to really connect with someone.
So, try those kinds of really quite a low effort, one line a messages, show some positive emotions, be playful, be light, don't take it personally, and if someone still doesn't get back to you, you just got to go "for whatever reason they are not in it to win it with me the same way that I am, and so that's okay because I believe that there will be loads of other people who will be able to give me the interactions I want, so I'm going to let this go, and I'm going to look out for the people who do match my effort levels."


How to attract a committed man?

Now, great question, and I know that we get quite a few questions that are similar to this that have come in.
When it comes to commitment, we would all love to know when we are on the first date or even the first message, or if someone just writes on, put a sign-up on their profile.
We'd love to know what someone is able to offer us.
The snag of dating is that we have to do the work, we have to get to know someone to figure out how aligned they are with our values around commitment or not because someone might think they're looking for a committed relationship but someone's version of commitment in terms of how much time they want to spend with someone, how much communication, like messages they want to have, when they want to become committed, that could all still be different.
So, the only way that we know is by experiencing someone and getting to know someone.
And if commitment is really important to you, I would just say take your time getting to know someone slowly and honor how you want to get to know someone.
So, if commitments are what you want, be clear about that in a funny way.
You could say, or it could be in your messages, it could be on a first date. You could say, "of course, definitely if I met someone who I thought was great or if I met the right person, of course I'd love to have a relationship".
So, again, really positive, quite light.
Own the fact that that's something you'd like, but remember it's not about them yet, this is just something you like.
Then take your time to get to know someone because if someone does have a different version of commitment to you, that will come up.
They might be less communicative, less willing to talk about commitment, less consistent.
All of those tells will show up, but it will take time.
So just think about how much you want to give in terms of your time, energy and effort to someone before that becomes clearer.
And for you, it might just be that you take a bit more time getting to know someone.
You do a few more coffee and lunch dates, and you give yourself a good amount of time to see who is lining up with you.
And in terms of the style of commitment they would also like.


Roadmap of dating for introverts, please.

Well, this might surprise you, but I actually consider myself a massive introvert.
Like if I get a moment to just be by myself, I'm like "yes".
So, why I bring that up is because I don't want introvert to equal I can't do something, or I'm not as good at doing something as someone who's extroverted.
Introverts, honestly, truly you have your own superpowers.
You can be great at talking to people one-to-one.
And whilst you might not be sort of the loudest and most boisterous person in the room, that doesn't mean that you can't give the vibe of deep confidence within yourself.
So, things that you might want to do, think about playing to your strengths.
Are you good at messages?
Would you prefer a phone call?
Is it going to be better for you to meet and to have a first date to someone that's a bit quieter and less crowded and busy and bustling.
Perhaps, you prefer to do a daytime date.
Perhaps, you can tell someone you're an introvert.
But in a way, again, that's not apologetic, but that really owns that.
So, again, you could say, "You know what? I'm such an introvert. I'm just one of these people I really like. I really just, I love, it's fun to go out, but I also really recharge in my own company."
So enjoy the fact that you're an introvert.
Don't apologize for it.
Don't see it as a limitation or something that you can't do.
And play to your strengths with dates that are perhaps quieter, more day timey and give you the opportunity you had to have that one-on-one chat.
That's going to be your superpower and your strength.


Where, when time of day would you advise for a first date?

So, what first date?
Just sort of like what I've indicated previously, really, what is a great first date really does depend a bit on what your dating goals are.
I would say if you are looking for more of that committed relationship, taking things more slowly and doing the daytimey dates often gives you a better chance to really get to know someone.
And also first date doesn't have to be that much effort.
So, again, it could just be you get a hot chocolate maybe at this time of year or an ice latte, and you go for a quick walk around the park, or you go for a walk, you know, by the river.
It can just be walking from point A to point B and sometimes having a walk and talk doesn't cost very much is in the outdoors, no alcohol involved.
Kind of quite neutral.
And sometimes that can feel nice because sometimes actually doing something that's too elaborate can actually just put a bit of pressure on the date.
You might also want to think about what dates you would enjoy going on, anyway.
Back in my dating days, I have to confess I've dragged a lot of poor unfortunate men to a lot of yoga classes, but it was because I was like, well, at least I'm going to enjoy the date even if we don't click.
So, definitely think about what you would find fun and interesting.
Finally, you also might want to do maybe not a first date, but certainly a second date, an activity date could be really good because, again, good one for introverts as well because it can take a bit of the pressure off that one-on-one conversation.
Often, if we're sat opposite somebody on a table, it can feel a lot more pressurized than if we're walking along side by side.
So dates like going to a food market and having a walk around there or getting a pair of bikes, something like that.
An activity date can feel a lot lower pressure, and actually, you have more conversation because you can notice all the cool stuff that's going on around you.


I exchanged messages with a woman, I want to meet her in person. Is there any advice that can help me because I am diagnosed with autism?

Well, again, even though, it sounds, if you're exchanging messages with a woman, and you want to meet in person, there's some good starts there.
So, let's go back to a bit of the process that I spoke about in the earlier sections.
So, ideally, you want to express that you'd like to see somebody at a moment where you feel like you found something in common, a commonality or a moment where you feel like there's a good amount of chat, back and forth.
So, if she's being very responsive to you or if you found out something you like in-person, go for it.
There's no better moment than right now and just say "hey".
Just use that message that I suggest earlier.
Say "I'm really enjoying this chat, let's meet in person and see what she says".
So, again, I don't want you to feel that you are… That there's a limitation here for you because I think with a bit of simple structure actually you don't have to do anything that's too elaborate to ask someone for a first date.
You can just say it like that because remember half the magic here of making this work is going to be if she's open and receptive to that. When you actually go on the date, the next thing you want to think about is when and how you want to talk to her about autism.
Most of us have something, whether it's something to do with our health, something to do with our past, something that we will have to disclose to someone at some point during the dating process.
And it's important for you to think, is it going to make me feel more comfortable just to say this right off the bat or is it going to make me feel more comfortable to say this when we've had a couple of dates, I know I like her, I think she might like me and we both trust one another a bit more.
And that's really your decision and your call.I would just be open about it in a way which, again, is non-apologetic.
You just want to just, again, be as positive and take as much ownership of that and just say, "Hey, you know, it's really good connecting with you.
I want to be open with you that if sometimes, and it could be I go off on a tangent, or I miss this cue, or I don't immediately get something, it might be because I actually have autism."
So, explain in a light-hearted and also just transparent way what someone can expect because none of us have a user manual and often all of us really have something that we have to let someone know about us in order to allow them to get to know us better.So, think about what you want…

First, remember you don't have to do anything that magical to get a first date, sounds like you are on the right track, just, so she is being responsive or if you find a point of connection, something you have in common just, be bold, ask her out.

Secondly, when you are on that date, think about what you feel comfortable to disclose, and when you do disclose, disclose with transparency and just explain how that might mean that some parts of your interaction are slightly different, and it should just be to help her to understand you better that's the purpose of explaining that.


What is a nice way of asking for more photos?

So, this can be again, I would say to go a bit bigger picture on this, generally if you can, I think all of us out there we'll have 3 or 4 clear photos of us on our dating profile, it means we are more likely to attract the right kind of people and again it, actually will help you to get more matches because you need that transparency, so ideally we want a nice clear photo, a headshot, at least one that's full-body and then maybe you know, a couple of others of you doing some other stuff, but at least a few clear photos that absolutely must be on your online dating profile.
I think we are going to phrase that sensitively because you don't want to make you appear like you're, you know, wanting a certain kind of photos of someone, so instead I would say, "I'm really enjoying chatting to you, your profile is still quite mysterious", "Is there any more photos or are you on social media?"
So again, I would say "Do you have any more photos or are you on social media?,"
So give them some options because they may find one of those is better.
The fact that you are asking for social media also indicates you are not asking for any particularly riskee photos, you just would like to see more of them.
And also again using that playful lighthearted phrasing that I spoke about at the start of this, which is… "What's a nice way of asking for photos?" Is saying, is just to acknowledge "why you got a mysterious profile there, wink."
So kind of getting that out of the way so that you can…You could have an indication of why you are asking for that.


How can people sustain relationships in an age of minimal concentration and maximal choices?

Well, rather than start, that is like a philosophy question, but rather than thinking about how, I'm gonna just notice that it happens all around us everyday people do meet one another, they do fall in love, and they do sustain relationships and many of them are happy relationships so, even if it seems like "wow, there's all of this choice out there, and we are always attached to our phones and that's bad" we can see evidence that good relationships happens so remember, if your mindset around dating, it's really important that you stay open-minded, you stay positive in your expectations.
So, if anything is a challenge to yourself perhaps to notice in your immediate social circle or, you know, in the news or whatever, social media, notice people sustaining happy and positive relationships, and yes, there is hypothetically a lot of choice out there.
There's a lot of people who you can meet on Match.
However, a lots of people have quite genuine intentions when they enjoy something, they don't necessarily in fact, most people probably actually actively dislike looking through profile, profile, profile, writing message, message, message.
What do we all want we just want a human connection, so I think go into it with a clear-ish idea of some quality and standards you'd like to have in a person, look out for that in the people you are interacting with.
If someone really isn't showing up in that way of, you know, they are not making as much effort as you, let it go maybe they don't have enough concentration for you and if someone is making that effort to connect, lean into, and you know as I said, be open-minded to the fact that sustaining a relationship is entirely possible.


Does what you're saying change with the 50 plus age group?

I would say that there are minor changes.
So, something we would notice going through the generations is that our messages tend to get a bit shorter.
So, if you are a gen z out there, and you are lucky enough and young enough to be in your 20s your messages are probably going to be significantly shorter than someone who is more mature so if you are a more mature dater you might find it more natural, then instead of writing these one line messages to write something that is a bit more substantial.
All I would say is when you are sending messages that are more substantial just check out and see if the other person is matching and mirroring your effort levels because we kind of want to avoid the scenario where you are really sharing a lot and trying to answer every question they ask and they sort of have written a very small answer back because that can create, regardless of your age, can create a feeling of pressure.
So, if someone is, however, matching you in terms of they are writing a bit more, they are asking more questions you know is a little bit more detailed, that could just be a, dare I say it, stylistic feature of someone who's slightly more mature dater and how they are interacting with one another.
But, all the other principles essentially remain the same.It's still going to be about being positive, it's still going to be about being playful, and it's still going to be about personalizing your messages.


How do you help people overcome their fear of stranger-danger?

So, it's true, when we do meet somebody online, we, obviously, we don't know who they are and what they are about and the irony is if we did we'd probably feel more excited because we get that understanding of what they are like.
To begin with, one of the first and most important things you need to try and do in your messages is built some trust with the person you don't know and obviously using match voice, completing your profile, having at least a few pictures, all of those things do a lot as well to help counteract stranger-danger.
However, in your messages just remember to also have that balance so, the focus of your messages shouldn't be entirely asking questions about the other person, if you do that it can kind of feel like a bit of pressure, and they just simply don't know enough about you in order to feel comfortable
.So, all of your messages should be a balance.You should be a little bit asking their questions but also a little bit sharing some information about yourself and sharing even quite banal information about ourselves like, you know, "it's already Monday, and I'm already late for work" or, you know, or "I'm doing a house of dragons binge under my this weekend, not that exciting".
These sorts of everyday things and experiences are just so relatable that's what's going to make someone fall for you, and it also already helped build trust.
So, don't worry too much about being cool and impressive on your messages, worry more, or I should say focus more on just relating, sharing examples from your life and making sure you have that balance in your online conversations.


I'm not sure my dry humor is for everyone, should I be true to myself of play it safe?

Great question, because again it's a bit of balance here isn't it, it's about being enough of yourself that you attract people who are most aligned with you because remember the people who you are going to have the best connection with you are probably going to find the communication is quite easy with them, and it just flows with them like they would like your sense of humor.
But, when we are messaging someone who we don't know it's also good to sort of warm them up to what that…
What your sense of humor is.
So, you could say "I was going to say a joke there, but it's a bit dry, do I have permission to share?" or "I'm going to say a joke, but I'll put a half warning on it that it contains my usual dry sense of humor".
So, again just by flagging to someone "hey, my dry sense of humor is coming along."
It will help someone to correctly interpret what you say to them, so they'll get that you are making a joke, and then they can see and have a better chance of understanding why it's funny, so yes, the people who are the best matches for you, you are going to find naturally easy to talk to them, they will be responsive and get your sense of humor but, to just give people a chance let's warm them up first and give them a little playful disclaimer as to that dry sense of humor, you can even say "Yup, I have got a really dry sense of humor it often comes across off better in real life, ;)." and that would be a quite smart way to set up for the date.


How to approach rejection in positively?

Well, great message because as I said it's like the experience of rejection is something that again, we literally all go through it, so to start with, reminding yourself that you are not the only one who has felt that way in fact, everyone feels that way.
To begin with I would question "is it a real rejection?" so, remember unless someone has really sat down and got to know you and they are like, best friend or long-term partner, do they really know you to love you, maybe not.
So, when someone doesn't respond to our messages it can feel like they are rejecting us, but they don't really know us, they don't really know who you actually are, especially if someone doesn't get back at your first messages as I said right at the start of this session, there are a thousand reasons that are not to do with you that might not happen.
Other ways you can look at rejection are, "is there something I can learn from this?"
I really hope that I've given some advices tonight that you can actively use and, you know, as I said about a thousand times before dating is a communication exercise.
So, if you are not getting the response you want right now, it's not about you, but it's probably a signal to "okay, is there something I can take from this session, is there something I can work on this."
Also remember all of us only need really one good yes.
So, I would just say it might not be someone rejecting you if you can view it like, we just weren't aligned, it just wasn't a match, they just weren't on the same page of what they were looking for, and that's okay because by letting this one go, I'm just getting one step closer to the person I really want to be with, that really great yes.
So, I'm hoping that there are some…I'm hoping that those are some really, really good ways that you can move past that feeling of rejection.


I'm visually impaired, is it appropriate to ask for a video of them doing a fun activity?

So, again, great idea of going to the match live room is like old school, chat rooms which is a great way of really interacting with people and for the rest I would say I'm going to give similar advice.
We want to be sensitive about when we are asking someone for more information because whilst it might help us to understand them better it could make them feel a bit put on the spot.
So, I would do a few things, first of all consider sharing, so you could say if you share something first like a photo or video of you doing something cool, then it's much more likely that somebody else is going to reciprocate because guess what you've established that trust.
So, you've established that trust and also if you do want to ask for a video, you could say "oh, that sound very fun, have you got a video of it?"
So, if you can connect it with the chat that you're already having is going to feel much more natural.
And also if those of you that are curious and excited about these kinds of like, about the old school chat rooms, which is a really, really great way of getting to know one another there will be a dedicated live room opening up for match members at the end of this live coaching, so if you're enjoying chatting to one another now don't let it stop, let it carry on in the live room.


How to get the most of our membership to match?

Well, I'm glad that you've sent the message into this coaching session because this is one of the great ways that you can really get the most out of match, so join the live coaching session because again, just like our messaging interaction, just like our day, is often what we put in is what we get out of something.
So, do the coaching sessions because…
I'm not going to back myself here, I think there's some useful content here, some useful techniques that are going to help you to improve how you interact, to have more fun in your interactions, and to get more matches.
Also, utilize all the profile functionality that you have.
Search for other members that have got the right criteria for you.
So, you're really narrowing it down to people that you know you're going to connect with.
Use features like Match Voice as well, so that you can add that extra layer of personality to your profile.
Like, what a great way for someone to get an insight into who you are.
There's also, obviously, social events, on and offline, that you can attend.
Again, rather than just having…
Messaging someone, have that three-dimensional experience of either using live chat rooms, or doing online or offline events.

So, remember:
Join in, and if you're listening right now, definitely go to the chat room after this event has closed. And, really, for everybody out there, you get the most out of Match, or any dating experience, when you participate.
So, get some good photos on that profile. Write the profile. Put the voice notes up. Attend the events. Go to live chat rooms. Come along to my coaching sessions, and just join in.
Because, remember, there's going to be a lot of people out there who are really going to mix, really aligned with what you want, who are also really going to want to start something real.
They are just around the corner.
You just, now, gotta go out there and lean in, and use all these resources that we have here at Match to meet them.


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